From “Expert” to “Exasperated”: My 25-Year Detour into Delusion
After two and a half decades of telling people how to run hospitality businesses, I decided to do something truly unhinged: I bought one.
I walked in on Day One with the glowing aura of a man who has written more training manuals than he has read. I had “Clear Communication” in my holster and “Standard Operating Procedures” in my heart. I was ready to lead.
It turns out, I wasn’t a leader. I was a comedian. I just didn’t know the joke was on me.
The Great Expectations vs. The South African Reality
I’ve compiled a handy translation guide for my fellow consultants who are considering “venturing back into management”.
What I Said (The Consultant)
“Please ensure the cutlery is polished by 5 PM.”
What I Thought Would Happen
The cutlery would be polished by 5 PM.
What Actually Happened
The cutlery was hidden in a napkin. It is now 8 PM.
What I Said (The Consultant)
“Consistency is the soul of service.”
What I Thought Would Happen
The team would adopt a uniform standard of excellence.
What Actually Happened
The team adopted a uniform standard of staring at me like I was speaking some ancient dialect.
What I Said (The Consultant)
“Do you understand the task?”
What I Thought Would Happen
They would ask for clarification if they were confused.
What Actually Happened
They said “Yes, Boss,” while mentally planning their next TikTok.
What I Said (The Consultant)
“We need to optimise the guest journey.”
What I Thought Would Happen
We would create a seamless experience.
What Actually Happened
A waiter forgot a table existed for forty minutes because “the vibe was off.”
My Top 3 “Clueless Consultant” Myths
1. The Myth of the “Instruction”
I spent years teaching that a “clear, concise instruction” is the key to success. I now realise that an instruction is actually just a suggestion that enters one ear, does a quick lap of an empty stadium, and exits the other ear without ever touching the brain.
2. The “Error Correction” Fairytale
I believed that if you point out a mistake, it won’t happen again. Silly me! In the real world, correcting an error is just a way to ensure that next time, the staff will perform that exact same error but with more flair and a better excuse involving a transport delay or a spiritual haunting.
3. The “General Understanding” Ghost
I assumed people in hospitality… liked hospitality? Or at least knew what it was? I’ve since discovered that for many, “Hospitality” is simply a physical location where they are paid to wait for their phone batteries to charge.
The Verdict
I used to charge people for my “insight.” If I could invoice my current self, I’d probably sue for malpractice. I thought I was the teacher, but the floor is a very cruel classroom.
If you need me, I’ll be in the back office, hugging my 2005 Training Manual and weeping softly into a bin of unpolished forks.